Wow! That was fast. This is by far the best critique I have ever received. Most people tend to be either too nice or not specific enough in what is not working. You make so many good points that it makes me think, duh! This is the kind of info that makes me excited to get back to writing.

You pointed out that the purpose or dramatic point of the scene is missing. So true. Why didn’t I see that before you pointed it out? The purpose is my contrived author purpose to introduce the character Peter and so the scene fails when I skim over what could be the dramatic point.

It’s a romance with a dash of suspense. I’ve had trouble all along getting that point across early–perhaps because I didn’t know it was going to get so suspenseful when I first started writing it. I’ve got to decide if its a romance or a suspense and revise my scenes appropriately. I never thought of writing that into every scene.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

And yes …. I recognized your comment right away.

There are some descriptions about home construction and home decorating that do, somewhat get in the way of the emergency you’re trying to create (dump most of your descriptive pros when you’re doing action or building tense stuff. If the scene becomes tense then you need short quick actions, short quick descriptions, and short quick dialogue). You also build your scene around some very common occurences. Losing keys. Getting locked out. Shoes stuck in the mud.

These are things the reader has likely experienced. That’s good and bad. They can relate. But they are common enough to be very boring. If you threw in washing dishes, taking a shower, taking a nap, driving the kids to dance class and maybe getting your hair cut, you would have increased the shared experiences with your reader ten fold. You will also likely bore them to tears.

There’s nothing wrong with using common happenings. That’s great. But you have to put a twist on them.

And finding that twist will also help you find the PURPOSE or DRAMATIC POINT of your scene. Its in there. You’ve written it. And right when you wrote it, you wrote it OUT of your scene. When the neighbor shows up, finds your characters in what looks like a break-in, they say we don’t live here and then you RUIN IT by having the neighbor say, yeah, I knew that.

What? You let all of the fun, the humor, the cool dramatic point of your scene out like deflating a baloon before it ever got filled up.

Here’s what you do. You introduce the neighbor earlier by having the characters notice that he’s watching them from his window. Or something like that. Or maybe just have a light come on next door. Or the dog bark.

Then you put these two characters in the most comprosming of THEFT or ROBBERY positions. Maybe half hanging out the window and maybe they have to remove the TV from in front of the window and it looks like they’re stealing the flat screen TV. Be inventive. Be creative. What would a thief be doing or taking from a house and then put these characters into that very situation innocently, of course, and then have them caught red-handed. And have some fun with it.

The other issue you need to consider is your self-editing problems. Get rid of all the speaker attributions. Did I count three SHE MOANED attributions? You don’t need ANY OF THEM. Junk them. The dialogue has far too much information in it. They’re in a hurry. The dialogue should be in a hurry too.

Don’t erase what you posted. If I have time I’ll send you how I would do the opening paragraphs.

Finally, this scene doesn’t seem like something a publisher would want to publish as far as its topic so far. I haven’t seen the first chapter, but mud, and keys and floods are not the stuff of compelling novels. Unless there’s lots more I don’t know. Even the relationship betweeen the male and female characters doesn’t even seem like a possible romance. Is it?

If you were to ask me, I couldn’t tell you if this was a mystery, and action adventure, a romance, a fantasy, or even a home novel. What is it? Once you find out, you should write that into every scene.

I just left a comment at SIX LDS WRITERS AND A FROG. Can you tell which one is mine? Duh?

I just posted a writing sample from my second chapter. It’s in the top left corner above the swirling flowers on my header. I don’t think you can post comments on that page so you can email me your critique at kate (at) katrinapalmer (dot) com. Any bit of advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, thanks, thanks!

Kate: I’ll try the barefoot thing, but not until the average daily temperature on the pavement rises above 32. How do I critique your writing? Is there a page here on you website?

Jenni–I didn’t dare go to the barn to inspect the damage. Plus, I was too busy loading the washer with muddy clothing. I hope the chickens got some water!

You’d catch on pretty quickly. You already intuitively know much of it. You’ve proved that with your comments on my writing. Your advice was spot on and invaluable.

David or is it Elizabeth or is it the
Anonymously Famous Shadow Who’s Not Going to Tell Me–Wish I knew the magic cure for IT Band Syndrome. Have you tried running barefoot? Or read Born to Run? Thanks for stopping by. You made my day. I still wish you could critique my writing.

Karen–It’s been a rather surprising day here. I’m glad you stopped by. Thanks for your comments and compliment.

All I can say is GOOD FOR YOU! That took guts. And you were right on with all of it.

Have you ever wondered why so many comments on LDSP are anonymous? It’s because if you aren’t on the bandwagon, whatever it is, you get “yelled at.” That’s not LDSP’s fault, she just allows the comments to flow, but it seems to be an issue with her followers that kind of spoils her blog a bit for me.

I like an open discussion and forum on blogs. On mine I welcome any and all comments (not that I get many at all) but if I did, I would welcome them!

Interesting dialogue. See, that’s why I could never enter the writing world — I don’t know any of that stuff!